Memory Lane

[Madeleine Baudelaire&Russ Ford]

For the first time, as the word “Maddie” left his lips, Madeleine found herself hurt by it. It was the same as it had been before he’d called her Maddie, when everytime she heard it, a blade ran through her, and anger welled up.
“Don’t-”
She caught herself before she said it, though. She didn’t mean it. The only thing that would come from saying it was hurting him, and right now, no one needed that. She didn’t need to make this any worse.
So she swallowed it, and nodded. “I know,” she said – and this time, her voice didn’t crack; not once. “I know, but… one minute. Please.”
Still no blood. She couldn’t help but stare at it, in horrid fixation, wondering why it wasn’t there. It was as if it had never happened; the place held no scars. No memory of it at all. It almost made it harder.
Madeleine let go of Lee’s hand, and walked forward – but not stepping on the ground where his blood was spilt. That was disrespectful, it was…
“It was there,” she said quietly, her voice even – almost hypnotic. “There. We were walking, and he must have heard something, I don’t know what. He… he told me to go over here,” she added, walking over to the bushes, running a hand over the top of them; twigs scratching against her hand again. “So I wouldn’t get hurt. I don’t know how they didn’t see me, though – that doesn’t make sense. I was so close, they should have sensed me, should have… Well, they didn’t, anyway. He was out there, and they came, about five or so. They could have done it quickly; so quickly, but they didn’t. That made it worse, and he was just so hurt. I had to stay here, I couldn’t move. I don’t know how, but I just… I froze. Then he… yeah.”
In the silence after those words, the sounds echoed in the air. The footsteps. The draw of the knife. The grunts of pain – he hadn’t screamed, not once.
“He was still alive, though,” she said, her voice still eerily even. “He was dying, not dead. They left him to suffer, for a while. I tried my best, I did, but I didn’t… I didn’t have healing, then. If I had, maybe it would have been different, but I didn’t, so, it wasn’t. I tried, I tried…”
She had tried. After he’d spoken to her, when his heart finally gave out, she’d tried. But she had no training, she had no idea what to do – she’d tried, but no matter how hard she’d tried, it was never going to work. Besides, knowing what she now did about his death, she was pretty sure that had she had her healing, it still wouldn’t have worked. In a way, Orla’s showing her what had happened from her point of view had helped her accept that it wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t save him; that there really was nothing she could have done.
“I don’t think that there was anything I could have done – he was too far gone. I know that. But I still… I still have nightmares, sometimes. Especially since Russ came back. He’s the only one – aside from the police and my parents, of course – to know that he wasn’t dead at first, and he said something; so they’ve gotten worse again. I just…”
She sighed, rubbing her face with her clammy hands and pushing her hair back from her face. “Now, it doesn’t feel as bad as I thought it would have. Maybe this will help.”
Tell me it will help.

[Kira & Lee Norris]

These words demanded something better than this.
To look at him, perhaps one would've called him apathetic. Removed. Separate. He was awkward again. He hadn't been until she'd spoken back-
"Don't-"
It didn't matter that she'd stopped; not really. Lee had gotten the message loud and clear. He was making no difference. Not really.
But how could he?
No matter what he tried to do or say, there was always this wall that surrounded Shaun and Maddie; separating them from Lee. It wasn't like him and Kira- Maddie was a welcome guest when that turned the two to three. But with Maddie and Shaun it was different. He'd always known it would be.
After all, Lee had never known Shaun.
Lee would never know Shaun.
He would never speak to Shaun, and never know how to advise Maddie on Shaun.
No it was... argh. Lee didn't ask to be included in that. That was Maddie's, and Maddie's alone, and he respected that. He didn't want to be in the way of their relationship; of her memories, and of her feelings, thoughts...
Of her grief...
He just wished he didn't feel so out of it.
Standing at the scene of Shaun's death, Lee felt like a fake. An intruder. A fraud. He couldn't share Maddie's pain. He couldn't help her.
Russ should've come. Or her parents. Or Jace-
Dammit!
She kept talking. It kept getting worse. And Lee kept standing and staring at the place she'd pointed out. The ground was spattered with strawberry-laced patterns.
He wondered if she could see them, too.
"... Now, it doesn’t feel as bad as I thought it would have. Maybe this will help."
"Yeah," Lee cleared his throat, "yeah. Maybe."
He'd never know.
But, goddammit, he wished he could.

[Madeleine Baudelaire&Russ Ford]

Madeleine closed her eyes, silently mouthing the word “Maybe”.
Maybe it would be okay.
Maybe it would be.
Or maybe Russ was right, and she’d always be screwed up. Maybe this wasn’t something she could get over. If the counsellor – as crap as he was at his job – couldn’t make her get over, if almost two years couldn’t fix it, maybe she wasn’t meant to.
But it had been getting better. Only now did it feel like it was getting worse, because she had to see it again. Though his blood was no longer visible, it still stained the ground. The imprint of his body was still there. Madeleine could still see it. It was still goddámn there.
She raised her hands to her face, burying her head in them, and breathing a three syllable word into them.
It felt like he should be there – his spirit should be with her there, or something. She’d felt him in other places before, but he wasn’t here. In a way, she was glad that he wasn’t here; he didn’t need to haunt this place. He shouldn’t be here… but he should be here. For her, with her.
Madeleine lowered her hands, and still not looking at Lee, muttered. “I don’t… I don’t want to be here.”
It was only then, as she saw the teardrops on her hands, that she realised she was crying.

[Kira & Lee Norris]

Lee prised her tear-soaked hands from her cheeks, and wiped the crystal stains from her soft cheeks. He put her hands down, and pulled her close, tucking her head under his chin, and holding her tightly.
The wings in his back pressed up almost painfully against the barrier of his skin, his shoulder blades arching in preparation.
“Madeleine,” Lee murmured against the curls of her head, “Madeleine, I’m taking you back to the camp. You’ve done enough. You’ve done so well.”
She had.
She had.
But it was enough.
Now that she was here, it was only hurting her.
She’d done enough.
She’d done it.

[Madeleine Baudelaire&Russ Ford]

Her first thought was that she couldn’t let them see her like this. Jace, her parents… not any of them. She couldn’t, wouldn’t let them see her after crying like that.
But still, she nodded, burying her head into his chest, trying to stop the tears that she couldn’t even feel.
She’d been told for over a year that she had to cry about this. It was just ironic that now that she was crying, she couldn’t feel it.
Madeleine shivered as Lee pulled her closer to him. “I can’t go back like this, Lee, they can’t see this…”
The tears had no impact on her voice now, they were just useless drops of water, and she couldn’t even feel them. What was the point in crying if she couldn’t even feel the dámn tears being released?
Stop it. Stop it now.

[Kira & Lee Norris]

He couldn't say he blamed her.
"Okay," Lee said softly, "okay... I'll fly you up, and take you far away, and then you cry all you like. We'll only go back when you're ready."
He wanted to tell her he was proud of her, but the words stuck in his throat; stupid, empty, pointless.
His wings were aching to be free of their binds.

[Madeleine Baudelaire&Russ Ford]

She nodded into his chest once more.
Madeleine didn’t want to cry anymore, she didn’t want to go somewhere far away to cry, but she knew that this wasn’t about to stop any time soon unless she got away from here. There was no way she could calm down enough while his blood was still laid out before her, and the journey home – she couldn’t face retracing the steps again, and in flight, it was too short a distance.
“Okay,” she murmured, wrapping her arms tightly around him. “Thank you. I love you.”

[Kira & Lee Norris]

Gently, Lee kissed her forehead.
"I love you, too."
Then his wings ripped forward, tearing his shirt, and he leaped from the ground. The wind caught him mid-jump, and with a burst of speed and strength, Madeleine and Lee sped upwards into the clouds, and as far away from Madeleine's dark memories as possible.