Post by Arihant on Jun 15, 2008 10:24:37 GMT
ooc: Just a shortie that I should have had up several days ago. And NOT an angst-fest, for once! (although initial appearances may be deceiving, lol)
Something was searing through Arihant.
It had happened before. Always this time of year, this season, this month, this day… Even the time. It was as if he had some kind of alarm wired into him. It’s worst on the twelfth of June. The twelfth of June is hardest. It was like some kind of biological call, like salmon returning to their birthplace to spawn, like birds flying south in winter. It was just something that was… meant to happen.
Thinking of the birds, he realised that this was exactly what it felt like. Like hundreds of tiny birds were flapping frantically just beneath the surface of his skin, like they were clawing and pecking at him from within, trying to get out.
He had the urge to press the skin down, see if it made any difference, but he knew it wouldn’t. He remained sitting completely still, gazing out over the surface of the Glass Lake.
It was three o’clock in the morning, which was either insanely early or insanely late to be awake. Maybe somewhere in between those two extremes this was just about normal, then. He hadn’t gone to bed, rather waited silently until three sets of steady breathing came from the rest of his dorm and he knew he could leave.
He wasn’t wearing a coat, or a scarf, or anything to keep him warm, really, apart from his gloves, and he’d had the urge to remove them, too. After all, no one would be here for him to endanger. He wanted to be cold.
But then, he was cold anyway, out in the cold night in a season that he had been shocked to learn that the British called ‘summer’. People were going around in skimpy clothes, baring skin that was, for the most part, either the natural white, mistreated red or a very worrying shade of orange, but Arihant’s outfit had barely changed since winter. He’d foregone the scarf, thinking that that maybe made him seem just a little strange, but otherwise he was basically exactly the same.
Well, everything else had changed. He guessed he could be excused for not acquiring a wardrobe to go with it.
He had his laptop with him. He hadn’t meant to bring it, but he had done so inadvertently when the last of his roommates finally fell asleep. It had been his alibi for keeping his clothes on instead of changing into his pyjamas (which, for him, were basically older, shabbier versions of what he usually wore) – he’d told them that he had coursework due in tomorrow that he’d completely forgotten about, an excuse which won much sympathy from them and a right to stay awake.
Kennedy had seemed suspicious, but he had also been completely exhausted, so the suspicion hadn’t lasted long.
The computer lay open beside him, the default screensaver flicking around randomly. It helped, he guessed, to be able to see a little bit, just in case.
But really, he wasn’t thinking about that. He was thinking about how profoundly strange this whole situation was.
Because, for some reason, in 2008 the twelfth of June didn’t appear to be worst, and he couldn’t quite understand that.
His body was still reacting the same as it always had, that was true. That bit never changed. He was still shaking, still felt as if something was trying to burst out of him, but as for his mind…
That part felt oddly calm.
When he sat here, looking up at the distant stars, he was just looking at the stars, he wasn’t seeing horrific footage playing out behind the pinpricks of light. The breeze of the wind across his face didn’t remind him of the air tearing through his hair as he had run through it faster than he had ever imagined possible at the time. This night was just… a night.
And he wasn’t even feeling guilty about that.
He saw three ways to explain this. One, since he had come here, Orchid Hill had made him into such a remorseless monster that there was no hope for him at all now, that he would only get worse from this point on and that he didn’t even have the good grace to retain his conscience, the one grounding force that he thought (or had thought) that he relied on more than anything else.
Then there was option two, that he had somehow been forgiven for his sins and that now he was… he was in heaven. Or mad. But madness could be heaven sometimes, couldn’t it? Well, either way, he just… didn’t have anything to feel bad for anymore. Maybe it had all been a dream. Maybe that night, four years ago to the day (although he had thought of it as four years for a lot longer), maybe that was all the start of some horrific nightmare that had ended the moment he came through this place’s doors.
But things like that just didn’t happen in real life, did they?
Neither of those options worked for him.
Option three, then.
Maybe… maybe he didn’t have to feel bad all the time – maybe he… maybe there could be respite.
In fact, there was no maybe about it. He’d been able to forget so much over the past few months. He just hadn’t realised it until now. This night brought things into focus, didn’t it?
And he had already spent the whole day like a walking zombie; he had already aroused the concern of his few friends, he just hadn’t… fallen apart. And to be honest, that was why he’d been acting so numb all day, it was apprehension for the collapse that he had been certain was coming. And now…
Now, it wasn’t even really the twelfth anymore. It was the thirteenth… Friday the thirteenth, as a matter of a fact. Unlucky for some, but not for him.
With Friday the thirteenth had come the realisation that he was only human.
Only human. It felt strange even thinking it. He was only human. He could make mistakes, he could feel guilty, he could move on…
Could he move on?
Well, he didn’t know that. But he could think about it, now, couldn’t he? That was a plus.
He’d never make up for what he did, he knew that. But… maybe he didn’t have to spend the whole of his life trying to atone for it.
God. He didn’t know.
There was a sudden beeping from the laptop beside him.
Wireless says:
Arihant?
Wireless says:
You moron, where the hell have you buggered off to now?
Wireless says:
Don’t tell me you’ve run away. Please don’t tell me that. I know several people (myself included) who will be perfectly happy to murder you if you have.
Wireless says:
You know, we’ve had this discussion about how rude it is to ignore people for no good reason by now, haven’t we?
Arihant glared at the computer. Bloody show-off. He wasn’t supposed to have an internet connection, of course, but Kennedy just had to come out and stalk him with his stupid –
No. That wasn’t fair.
Arihant had seen him do this with his laptop before, of course, but he didn’t know that Kennedy could do it from such a long distance.
He sighed, and typed back.
Arihant says:
Is this really necessary, Ken? I’m fine. I just went out for a walk
Wireless says:
Just went out for a
The message cut off there. Arihant guessed that that was his first reaction. For someone who didn’t have to type, this kind of messaging must have been more like thinking than anything else.
There was a brief pause before the screen lit up again.
Wireless says:
Well, my extraordinarily dim-witted friend, you can just walk your arse back in here before one of the heads finds out about his.
Wireless says:
Mark my words, they will castrate you.
Arihant burst out laughing.
Arihant says:
Threatening though that is, Ken –
Wireless says:
You don’t believe me?
Wireless says:
Ari, this school is run by bloody women.
Wireless says:
You think they care about our manhood? Like, at all?
Wireless says:
OK, possibly getting off-track here.
Wireless says:
Just get back in here before I send Sally after you.
Arihant says:
How do you know that Lynn would be able to find me?
Wireless says:
Because you’re at the Glass Lake, and that’s hardly gonna be a problem for her.
Arihant says:
Wait.
Arihant says:
You’re actually tracking my computer?
Wireless says:
… Maybe.
Arihant says:
Oh my God.
Arihant says:
Why am I friends with you, again?
Wireless says:
Because of my incredible charisma and charm.
Wireless says:
Arihant. Seriously. I will send Sally after you. Get your arse back in here now or I will not be responsible.
Wireless says:
She doesn’t play nice, you know.
He laughed again.
Arihant says:
Fine, fine, I’m coming now. Happy?
Wireless says:
Very much so. I’ll meet you at Blueberg.
Arihant says:
What?
Arihant says:
You hypocrite, you’re at Blueberg?
Wireless says:
I’m not a hypocrite.
Arihant says:
I think you are.
Wireless says:
Um, no, because I, my little friend, have a system to ensure that my manhood remains intact.
Arihant says:
…What?
Wireless says:
They’re not going to catch me, because (a) I have oh-so-many faces to pick from and they would never know it was little ole Kennedy, and (b) even if they did, I could make them forget.
Wireless says:
Enlighten me, what were you planning on doing if you got caught?
Arihant says:
…
Arihant says:
Good point, well made.
Arihant says:
Fine, I’m coming now.
Wireless says:
Five minutes, then I’m going back in without you. I’m freezing my balls off out here.
Arihant says:
It won’t take me five minutes, don’t worry.
Arihant says:
Appreciate the mental image though.
Wireless says:
Will you stop typing and just get over here?
Arihant says:
Fine! Jesus…
He snapped the computer shut and rose, all thoughts of the twelfth of June quickly forgotten, and then began running towards the forest, smiling.
It was good, only being human, he realised.
It was fun.
Something was searing through Arihant.
It had happened before. Always this time of year, this season, this month, this day… Even the time. It was as if he had some kind of alarm wired into him. It’s worst on the twelfth of June. The twelfth of June is hardest. It was like some kind of biological call, like salmon returning to their birthplace to spawn, like birds flying south in winter. It was just something that was… meant to happen.
Thinking of the birds, he realised that this was exactly what it felt like. Like hundreds of tiny birds were flapping frantically just beneath the surface of his skin, like they were clawing and pecking at him from within, trying to get out.
He had the urge to press the skin down, see if it made any difference, but he knew it wouldn’t. He remained sitting completely still, gazing out over the surface of the Glass Lake.
It was three o’clock in the morning, which was either insanely early or insanely late to be awake. Maybe somewhere in between those two extremes this was just about normal, then. He hadn’t gone to bed, rather waited silently until three sets of steady breathing came from the rest of his dorm and he knew he could leave.
He wasn’t wearing a coat, or a scarf, or anything to keep him warm, really, apart from his gloves, and he’d had the urge to remove them, too. After all, no one would be here for him to endanger. He wanted to be cold.
But then, he was cold anyway, out in the cold night in a season that he had been shocked to learn that the British called ‘summer’. People were going around in skimpy clothes, baring skin that was, for the most part, either the natural white, mistreated red or a very worrying shade of orange, but Arihant’s outfit had barely changed since winter. He’d foregone the scarf, thinking that that maybe made him seem just a little strange, but otherwise he was basically exactly the same.
Well, everything else had changed. He guessed he could be excused for not acquiring a wardrobe to go with it.
He had his laptop with him. He hadn’t meant to bring it, but he had done so inadvertently when the last of his roommates finally fell asleep. It had been his alibi for keeping his clothes on instead of changing into his pyjamas (which, for him, were basically older, shabbier versions of what he usually wore) – he’d told them that he had coursework due in tomorrow that he’d completely forgotten about, an excuse which won much sympathy from them and a right to stay awake.
Kennedy had seemed suspicious, but he had also been completely exhausted, so the suspicion hadn’t lasted long.
The computer lay open beside him, the default screensaver flicking around randomly. It helped, he guessed, to be able to see a little bit, just in case.
But really, he wasn’t thinking about that. He was thinking about how profoundly strange this whole situation was.
Because, for some reason, in 2008 the twelfth of June didn’t appear to be worst, and he couldn’t quite understand that.
His body was still reacting the same as it always had, that was true. That bit never changed. He was still shaking, still felt as if something was trying to burst out of him, but as for his mind…
That part felt oddly calm.
When he sat here, looking up at the distant stars, he was just looking at the stars, he wasn’t seeing horrific footage playing out behind the pinpricks of light. The breeze of the wind across his face didn’t remind him of the air tearing through his hair as he had run through it faster than he had ever imagined possible at the time. This night was just… a night.
And he wasn’t even feeling guilty about that.
He saw three ways to explain this. One, since he had come here, Orchid Hill had made him into such a remorseless monster that there was no hope for him at all now, that he would only get worse from this point on and that he didn’t even have the good grace to retain his conscience, the one grounding force that he thought (or had thought) that he relied on more than anything else.
Then there was option two, that he had somehow been forgiven for his sins and that now he was… he was in heaven. Or mad. But madness could be heaven sometimes, couldn’t it? Well, either way, he just… didn’t have anything to feel bad for anymore. Maybe it had all been a dream. Maybe that night, four years ago to the day (although he had thought of it as four years for a lot longer), maybe that was all the start of some horrific nightmare that had ended the moment he came through this place’s doors.
But things like that just didn’t happen in real life, did they?
Neither of those options worked for him.
Option three, then.
Maybe… maybe he didn’t have to feel bad all the time – maybe he… maybe there could be respite.
In fact, there was no maybe about it. He’d been able to forget so much over the past few months. He just hadn’t realised it until now. This night brought things into focus, didn’t it?
And he had already spent the whole day like a walking zombie; he had already aroused the concern of his few friends, he just hadn’t… fallen apart. And to be honest, that was why he’d been acting so numb all day, it was apprehension for the collapse that he had been certain was coming. And now…
Now, it wasn’t even really the twelfth anymore. It was the thirteenth… Friday the thirteenth, as a matter of a fact. Unlucky for some, but not for him.
With Friday the thirteenth had come the realisation that he was only human.
Only human. It felt strange even thinking it. He was only human. He could make mistakes, he could feel guilty, he could move on…
Could he move on?
Well, he didn’t know that. But he could think about it, now, couldn’t he? That was a plus.
He’d never make up for what he did, he knew that. But… maybe he didn’t have to spend the whole of his life trying to atone for it.
God. He didn’t know.
There was a sudden beeping from the laptop beside him.
Wireless says:
Arihant?
Wireless says:
You moron, where the hell have you buggered off to now?
Wireless says:
Don’t tell me you’ve run away. Please don’t tell me that. I know several people (myself included) who will be perfectly happy to murder you if you have.
Wireless says:
You know, we’ve had this discussion about how rude it is to ignore people for no good reason by now, haven’t we?
Arihant glared at the computer. Bloody show-off. He wasn’t supposed to have an internet connection, of course, but Kennedy just had to come out and stalk him with his stupid –
No. That wasn’t fair.
Arihant had seen him do this with his laptop before, of course, but he didn’t know that Kennedy could do it from such a long distance.
He sighed, and typed back.
Arihant says:
Is this really necessary, Ken? I’m fine. I just went out for a walk
Wireless says:
Just went out for a
The message cut off there. Arihant guessed that that was his first reaction. For someone who didn’t have to type, this kind of messaging must have been more like thinking than anything else.
There was a brief pause before the screen lit up again.
Wireless says:
Well, my extraordinarily dim-witted friend, you can just walk your arse back in here before one of the heads finds out about his.
Wireless says:
Mark my words, they will castrate you.
Arihant burst out laughing.
Arihant says:
Threatening though that is, Ken –
Wireless says:
You don’t believe me?
Wireless says:
Ari, this school is run by bloody women.
Wireless says:
You think they care about our manhood? Like, at all?
Wireless says:
OK, possibly getting off-track here.
Wireless says:
Just get back in here before I send Sally after you.
Arihant says:
How do you know that Lynn would be able to find me?
Wireless says:
Because you’re at the Glass Lake, and that’s hardly gonna be a problem for her.
Arihant says:
Wait.
Arihant says:
You’re actually tracking my computer?
Wireless says:
… Maybe.
Arihant says:
Oh my God.
Arihant says:
Why am I friends with you, again?
Wireless says:
Because of my incredible charisma and charm.
Wireless says:
Arihant. Seriously. I will send Sally after you. Get your arse back in here now or I will not be responsible.
Wireless says:
She doesn’t play nice, you know.
He laughed again.
Arihant says:
Fine, fine, I’m coming now. Happy?
Wireless says:
Very much so. I’ll meet you at Blueberg.
Arihant says:
What?
Arihant says:
You hypocrite, you’re at Blueberg?
Wireless says:
I’m not a hypocrite.
Arihant says:
I think you are.
Wireless says:
Um, no, because I, my little friend, have a system to ensure that my manhood remains intact.
Arihant says:
…What?
Wireless says:
They’re not going to catch me, because (a) I have oh-so-many faces to pick from and they would never know it was little ole Kennedy, and (b) even if they did, I could make them forget.
Wireless says:
Enlighten me, what were you planning on doing if you got caught?
Arihant says:
…
Arihant says:
Good point, well made.
Arihant says:
Fine, I’m coming now.
Wireless says:
Five minutes, then I’m going back in without you. I’m freezing my balls off out here.
Arihant says:
It won’t take me five minutes, don’t worry.
Arihant says:
Appreciate the mental image though.
Wireless says:
Will you stop typing and just get over here?
Arihant says:
Fine! Jesus…
He snapped the computer shut and rose, all thoughts of the twelfth of June quickly forgotten, and then began running towards the forest, smiling.
It was good, only being human, he realised.
It was fun.
