Lover's Trysts

[Madeleine Baudelaire&Russ Ford]

14th March, 2007.
Five months after Shaun's death.

The stone bounced off the water; once, twice, three times. He picked up another flat, dark-ish stone and flung it out at the grey water, watching it flick off the sheet of sea, dappled with the rain ripples, again.
One, two, three, four.
“Nice one.”
He turned around to see Madel standing watching him. Slightly unnerved by the fact that he hadn’t heard her approach (how long had she been there for anyway?), he grinned at her, before picking up another stone.
He’d been doing this a lot these days. Everything was just getting more and more screwed up, and everyone was getting more and more depressed… even the weather was in tune with their mood. The last sunny day had been a couple of months ago. It had been a crap winter; it hadn’t stopped raining, and the sky was still as grey as ash.
It was raining now – that light, clinging rain that stuck to you, getting you wet but not soaking you, just kind of in between. Like it couldn’t make up its mind.
Even if the weather was depressing, he’d rather be surrounded by it than depressed people.
And now Madeleine had followed him. He guessed he didn’t mind, though. After all, at least the two of them were making a conscious effort to try and drown their pains, whether it worked or not.
She was still watching him. He could feel her blue eyes on the back of his head as he picked up another stone, this time flat and terracotta, and flicked it out at the sea.
One, two.
“We need to talk, Russ.”
Aw, balls. He’d known this was coming for a while; he’d been wondering if they should talk about it, but what with all that with Shaun, he couldn’t be the one to say it first. But today… not today. And besides, Madel was still having those nightmares. She wasn’t ready to stop trying to heal. Or maybe Russ was just selfish and trying to justify it by thinking that she wasn’t ready. Maybe Russ was the one who wasn’t ready. If Madel had realised that they were just dragging themselves into a deeper pool of shít than the one they were in already, then clearly, she was ready.
“Oh?” he asked, keeping his eyes firmly on the horizon as he flung out another stone.
“I enrolled at Orchid.”
Okay, that wasn’t what he’d been expecting.
His neck made a short snapping sound as he spun round to face her. “What?!”
Orchid Hill? Why in hell would she enrol at Orchid Hill again? Was she crazy? Stupid? Did she have a deathwish? Yeah, she’d been before, but her brother just got killed, and she’d watched it. She was one hell of a target.
She wasn’t looking at him; her blue eyes were focused on something far out on the grey slab of sea. And she wasn’t answering him. Why the hell wasn’t she answering him?
“Why the hell would you do that?” he demanded angrily, striding towards her and wishing that she’d just look at him.
Her eyes flickered to his for a minute, before guiltily flicking back to the water again. “Madeleine?”
She smiled hollowly, still not meeting his eyes. “I think it’s time I went back.”
The hell she did.
“Bull.”
She shook her head, water droplets shaking away from her hair.
Russ couldn’t believe it. What the hell was she doing? She’d have to fight in the same dámn war that killed her brother; she’d have to keep her relationship to him secret, because of what he’d done… she’d be a bullet magnet, in polite terms. Why was she deliberately putting herself in danger? When Shaun died, she’d… aw, for Chrissake.
“Chrissake,” he said; words coming out as a shout, a lot louder than he’d expected.
Madeleine’s eyes closed for a second, before they opened, eyes steely blue. “It’s my choice.”
“I know that. What I want to know is why the hell you made that choice. Are you f*cking crazy, is that it?”
“I have to finish this, Russ,” she said quietly but determinedly, finally looking at his face. “I can’t leave it like this.”
He swore and turned away, angrily picking up a stone and hurling it out at the sea.
It sank.
“He wouldn’t want me to leave it like this.”
Well, he guessed he should have seen that one coming. He’d had a vague idea that she’d try something like this, but not this soon. Not when she couldn’t hear his name without flinching, for the love of God.
“So Shaun would want you to kill yourself for it, then, is that what your saying?”
It was a low blow, and Russ knew it. And it hit the mark. As he turned his head to glance at her, Madeleine flinched and looked away from him, and he felt a rush of guilty pride.
“Well?” he demanded.
“It’s school, not suicide, Russ.”
He should have noticed the anger that tinged her voice, but he was too angry himself to hear it.
“Isn’t it? You’re in the Warriors; you’re fighting for the same f*cking war that-”
“That doesn’t mean I’m going to die.”
“Do you realise what this is going to do to your parents?”
She cringed, still looking resolutely away from him.
“They’ve already lost one child,” he continued, brutally. “You want them to lose the other?”
“Russ-”
“Madeleine, what the hell are you doing?”
She sighed, letting the curtain of her eyelids fall over the cold blue of her eyes for a moment. The rain ran down her cheeks in place of the tears that should have fallen long ago, but she’d never let go. “I want to finish this, Russ.”
He snorted, turning around again and flinging out another pebble. “Sure.”
There was a tense pause, before she responded. “Meaning?”
“Meaning you never took this much of a dámn interest in this whole thing before,” he muttered, unsure if she’d be able to hear him or not.
She must have, because immediately she was at his side, hissing. “Don’t you dare say that, I was involved in this war before-”
“Before they murdered your brother?”
He could hear the audible click of her teeth as she gritted them, and could sense how much he was hurting her even without her words.
But the thing was, right now, he didn’t know if he should care or not. What the hell was Madel playing at? Leaving to go fight a war? To “finish it”? Right. Russ could laugh. If Madeleine seriously thought that she was going to end this war, she was in for one hell of a disappointment. A fighter she was, but no fighter was good enough. Hell, if Shaun couldn’t do it…
Unless… unless Madeleine knew that she didn’t have a hope. Maybe she did have a deathwish… no. Russ knew she’d been hit hard by Shaun’s death, ‘course he did. He’d been the one trying to make sure Madeleine wasn’t too tormented by it all for the past few months. Of course she’d been screwed up. But she wouldn’t want to kill herself… No, she wouldn’t. She was Madeleine. Shaun’s sister. A Baudelaire, as she’d always pointed out.
The thing was… Shaun had been killed by it. And now, Madeleine was the last of a lot of things. She was her parent’s last child. Her grandmother’s last surviving grandchild. And aside from his mum, she was Russ’s last living relative, whether they’d known that before or not. So, what if Madeleine was killed?
It was so friggin’ selfish. Not just towards him, but everyone. For chrissake. If Russ decided to take himself off to fight a losing battle that was so bloody ridiculous anyway; if anyone looked at it with an ounce of sanity they’d realise that the whole thing was a worthless load of bull. Really, what did it all matter? Especially to Madeleine, who had been at Orchid for less than a year before Shaun’s death, when she left to be with her parents (saying she wasn’t going back) and really had nothing to do with the whole dámn set up?
He ignored the petite figure standing beside him, bending down to pick up a smooth, round, flat black pebble, and letting it skip across the rain-dappled water.
One, two, three, four.
“You’re mad.”
He shook his head. “Understatement.”
She sighed again. “You can’t see why I’m doing this, can you?”
“To be honest, no, I can’t.” He swivelled round to face her, grimly pleased to see that she recoiled from his eyes. She’d always said she could read them too well. ‘Jet windows’, she’d teased. Gypsy eyes. Gypsy fire. He used to be able to see it in her eyes, but she’d been practically unreactive since Shaun died. He missed how they used to scream and argue with each other, fume for a while, then make up by making out. It was weird how much he missed that. She was angry these days, but it wasn’t the right sort of anger. They didn’t fight anymore, because there was too much anger already there to make more. “Come on, Madel, what? You’re risking your life for what… revenge?”
She looked down at the wet grey sand before looking up at him again. He glared straight back at her, to see if she could see the white haze that was building up behind his eyelids, because God knew, it was growing.
“Not just revenge.”
He snorted, watching the raindrops land in her hair, on her pale cheeks, her eyes strangely empty.
“What, then?”
“I c…” She stopped, biting her lip, before starting again. “I can’t stay here, Russ. It’s been too long-”
“Bull. I know your parents decided they’re moving onto Shasa in the next few days, they’ve been working themselves up to leaving for months.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Well then, what did you mean?”
She shook her head, looked out towards the mottled sheet of sea. “There’s too many memories.”
“In Lylis?”
“At any camp.”
He snorted, shaking his own head. “Right. So you think trapping yourself in the one place is going to stop that? You know perfectly well you’ll just make it worse.”
“That’s not the point.”
“There’s a point?”
She still wasn’t looking back at him.
Of course it’s hard. Of course it hurt her. But this wasn’t going to make it any better now, was it?
“Well?” he growled.
Madeleine shook back her now soaking chocolate curls and bent down to lift a small dove grey stone, before skimming it across the sea.
One, two, three.
“There’s more than one point,” she said, quietly, picking up another pebble and waiting for him to skip one.
He picked up a stone, and flung it out across the water, keeping his eyes on her.
“In the trailer… at the camps… he’s everywhere, Russ.” It was little more than a whisper as she threw the stone, even now unwilling to admit a defeat. “I can’t go anywhere without seeing him and I’d really like to get a break from that for a while. Orchid Hill is the only place I can go where I won’t have memories of him.”
He shook his head, rain shaking from his hair. “You’ll miss those.”
She shrugged. “I know I will. But I need to get away.”
Russ didn’t respond to that. Yeah, she needed to get away, but Madeleine and small spaces did not go. They were gypsies, for chrissake. Gypsies and stone walls don’t go together. Madeleine should know that well.
“Right.”
Right was really all he could say. He didn’t agree with her, at all. How could he?
How could she?
“So…” he said, before pausing and watching her stone skip across the water, the rain falling in a grey sheet in front of his eyes. “I get that. I think. But you don’t really believe this war?”
Her eyes flashed to him, and he could see a remnant of the old fire in her eyes, and suddenly felt pleased with himself, though he knew he should feel the opposite way.
“How can you say I don’t believe in it?” she demanded. “I fought for it – and you know what I think of Marius’s policies.”
“Fair enough, but it doesn’t affect you!”
She sighed. “‘First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a Socialist-’”
“What, you’re using Holocaust logic? What the hell, Madel?”
Madeleine shook her head, her blue eyes glazing over as she threw a stone through the rain to the sea. “It’s all this “speciesism”… how can anyone believe that that’s a good idea? Segregation will only lead to hate, you know that – you should know as well as anyone else what people are like.”
It was his turn to shake his head, but he didn’t interrupt her.
“You know all this, Russ. First they started excluding species – that’s not right, it’s not. Everyone should be treated the same-”
“I agree perfectly, but again, I don’t see how that affects you.”
“Just keep listening, then. Once they got rid of non-humans, they started arguing over races being included,” she continued, and with a nasty shock, Russ realised where this was going. “Races and religions… you know perfectly well that if Marius gets his way, we’re next.”
He couldn’t stop himself from snorting.
She turned to him, that angry spark in her eyes again. “You don’t believe that?”
“I take your point,” he said, honestly. “But I don’t agree with them enlisting teenagers to fight, you know I think it’s sick. And using this logic… I think you’re just trying to sell it to me.”
Madeleine ran a hand through her soaked silken hair tiredly. “I thought you’d know me better than that.”
Russ cursed loudly and picked up another stone, not caring where it would land. “So which is it? Revenge, trying to get out of your own head, or pretending you’re doing it for the good of everyone else?”
Again, a low blow, but Russ wanted her to rise to it. He wanted her to get angry – maybe if she got angry, her head would clear and she’d realise how bad an idea this was.
“Go to hell, Russ. I shouldn’t need to justify myself to you.”
She sounded close to tears. And good. Russ had been trying to get her to cry since Shaun had died, but it hadn’t worked. Neither had the attempts of her parents or grandmother or anyone else. In the end, they’d all decided she was still in shock. But it had been 5 months. Not a long time, but long enough. And if she was still in shock, she shouldn’t be allowed to make such a drastic decision! What the hell were Stephen and Rhiannon thinking?
“So why the hell are you here?” he asked angrily, turning to face her once more.
“I wanted to explain-”
“Because that’s going to make me agree with you, is it? What do your parents think?”
She immediately looked guilty, and Russ’ suspicions were confirmed.
“You haven’t told them?!”
“No, of course I have! Jesus, Russ. Mum’s just… upset about it, that’s all. She’s worried in case I … in case something happens.”
“Well, that’s justified. It probably will.”
“Will you stop being a prick, Russ?” she asked, now sounding more upset than angry.
“I’m not being a prick-”
“Why don’t you want me to go?”
Why don’t I want you to go?
Russ just shook his head, muttering cuss words under his breath and stepped forward down the beach, away from Madel, his feet sinking into and leaving deep imprints in the wet grey sand.
“I can hear that,” she called after him. “But you’re not answering my question.”
“Well you should try to see the answer yourself, then!” he bellowed back, throwing larger rocks into the mottled water and watching them sink.
He heard her follow him down the beach. “Russ.”
He ignored her, picking up a heavier grey stone.
“Russ.”
“What?!”
“Why are you doing this?” Her voice wasn’t plaintive, though the words were. Her tone was detached, even… like she didn’t care at all, but Russ knew she cared.
He shrugged, slinging the stone out.
Madeleine sighed again. “Right, different angle. Aside from the obvious “you-might-get-killed” bit, why shouldn’t I go?”
“I don’t think you’re ready to go yet,” he said honestly.
“Why is that, then?”
It was his turn to sigh now. “You’re not over this yet.”
“Over what?” Frustration tinged her voice.
“Shaun.”
She stiffened, as she always did when she heard his name.
“Do you see what I mean? You can’t even hear his name without flinching-”
“That’s normal.”
He laughed harshly, like a bark. “Normal? Jesus Christ. If that’s normal, I don’t want to see what “taking it badly” really is.”
“You think I’m taking this badly?”
This time, he recognised the disgust in her voice, and knew what she was about to say, so he interrupted. “Look, Madeleine… I know that you’re hurting over this; I know that you were close to him, but don’t you think that it should be getting better?”
“It is getting better,” she lied. “The nightmares aren’t as bad-”
“Yeah, that’s what you think.”
After all, she’d been sleeping outside so her parents couldn’t hear her mutterings and moanings, and Russ had been the one sitting smoking on the steps of his trailer while she slept badly, and had to go over and hold her to stop her writhing, feeling her struggle against his arms, hearing every bit of her pain, even the bits that she never told him. He knew that Madeleine had little idea of how bad her nightmares were, but even the ones she did remember were bad enough.
But Russ knew every dámn detail about what went through her mind, and he knew that Madeleine was still too screwed up to function properly.
“They’re not.”
“Yeah, they are. Look, Madeleine…” he sighed, knowing how she was going to take this. “Don’t you think you should… I dunno, maybe talk to someone about all this? Because you’re still… I mean, you’re perfectly entitled to be f*cked up, ‘course you are… but maybe you should talk to someone?”
“If you’re suggesting a counsellor, you saw how that one turned out.”
“He was a crap counsellor anyway. I don’t know why Sergeant Kelly suggested to go to him-”
“They’re all like that, Russ. And besides, all he would go on about was asking me what he said to me. I don’t… I can’t talk about that.”
He sighed. “Fair enough.”
“Come on, Russ, you know what happened. Can you see why I don’t want to talk about it? About what he said?”
“Yeah, I do, but I’m just worried about you.”
“Don’t be.”
He was surprised by the confidence in her voice. It was sure, strong, assured. How could she be that sure of herself?
“You’re screaming at night, Madel,” he said cruelly. “How can we not be worried?”
She winced at the plural, just as he knew she would.
Russ picked up another stone, but this time, played with it in his fingers. “So when do you leave?” he asked, conversationally.
“I’m starting in July, at the start of the year.”
“And to Shasa?”
“Tomorrow.”
“That soon?”
“Yeah, Dad thinks it’s best. Mum’s not too keen, but it’s not healthy to stay here, for any of us.”
He nodded. “So what happens then?”
It was still raining, appropriately. It didn’t look like it was going to stop, either.
How friggin’ ironic was that?
Madeleine sighed, picking up a flat stone. “It has to end.”
“It always had to end.”
They’d both known it, after all. It was just a safer way to drown their sorrows than drink, that was all. They’d grown to care for each other during it, but not… not like that. Somewhere along the line for Russ, it had stopped purely being about trying to clear his own head; a large part of it was then about helping Madeleine, whether it was a bad way to do it or not. It wasn’t the same for her; but he knew she didn’t think of him just as another alcohol. But he couldn’t shake the feeling he cared more about her than she cared for him.
Even if it had helped, it was past the time to end it. It was dangerous. He knew that.
But he still didn’t want to end it.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, flicking it away into the water. One, two.
“What the hell for?!”
She seemed surprised by that. “It just… I don’t want you to feel that I was just using you.”
He sighed. “No, I know.”
“Thank you, though.”
“No shít.”
“No, really, Russ.”
“Yeah, I get it.” The words sounded angry, but purely because of frustration. Did she realise that he was thinking exactly the same thing? And it didn’t help that he was still mad about her leaving like that to go to Orchid. Chrissake…
She misinterpreted the angry edge to his voice. “I’m sorry, it’s just… oh, shít.”
“I know, Madeleine. It was a bad idea, but it helped for a while, now you’ve realised that it won’t work out.”
“No… it… it wouldn’t.”
Russ could see it. Hell, could he see it. He’d thought about it a lot, see. He and Madeleine… they’d carry on like this. Both trying to lose themselves in the other. In a while, trying to lose themselves would take on a more physical form. They’d eventually start to care about each other because of quiet moments – just like this -, and mistake it for love. But as time went on, they still wouldn’t lose their anger, because they’d serve as a reminder to each other of what had happened. They’d be together for a while, and for the first few years, it would work out. They would start to love each other. But because it wasn’t getting better, they’d assume they needed to go further to lose it. They’d probably end up getting married – after all, why not? But it would all go to hell after a while; it would catch up on them. They’d get angry at each other, and would grow apart. Maybe even affairs would happen. Then there would be a furious split, and they’d divorce and end up screwing up their kids, creating a new generation of anger – he knew how that felt, after all.
Life was cruel. The thing was, he knew perfectly well that this was how it would end up. She knew it too.
It didn’t mean that they wanted to end it now, though. They weren’t ready to – but that glimpse into the future proved that they’d never be ready.
At least now, no one’s heart would get broken. No one would be really hurt. And they had to chance to try with other people, even if they were still to angry to ever make it work. At least they got the chance.
“We’re not capable of making it work,” she said softly.
“No, we’re not. You’re not capable of love.”
Unfortunately – or maybe fortunately, he didn’t know – Madeleine didn’t rise to that. She didn’t even flinch the way he’d wanted her too. Maybe she didn’t even feel the blow it was supposed to hit. Dammit!
Madeleine smiled sadly. “No. Maybe I’ll never be. But then again, Russ, you’re angry too.”
“Oh, I know that. I didn’t say I was capable. I’m not.”
Another pause.
Russ picked up another stone, running through this all in his head. So she was leaving. Really leaving.
Crap.
“I wish I wasn’t this angry.”
Madeleine’s tone tore Russ’ heart apart. No one should ever have to sound so… so…
“Aw shít, Madel,” he said, pulling her to him, feeling guilty for what he’d just said.
She didn’t hug him back. She never did, after all. She just stayed perfectly still and stiff.
“I don’t want to be angry,” she murmured, always close to crying, but never getting there. “It’s just… they took him and… he’s gone and he’s not… he’s not coming back… and it’s all going wrong, it’s all…I just wish…”
He ran a hand through her wet hair, stroking the dripping curls. “I know.”
“No, you don’t. You don’t know.”
Russ sighed, but only because she was right. The thing was, he never knew what the hell to say when she talked like this.
Some help he was.
“I wish I knew what to say to that.”
She struggled out of his arms, frowning. “Well, you shouldn’t.”
Well, at least he’d tried.
Russ picked up another stone and hurled it out at the water, wishing the rain would stop. After a few minutes of grey silence, he spoke again. “So what happens when you go to Orchid? I mean, if Marius’ lot hears you’re there-”
“They won’t know who I am.” Her confident tone was back, but he wished it hadn’t.
“How’s that one work?”
“Mum said it’s a good idea to keep my background a secret, and I think she’s right-”
“Sorry, what?!”
She wasn’t serious, was she? Jesus Christ. Why was she coming out with so many crap ideas today? That was just… that was a total betrayal of herself. Of her background – of Shaun. Just… what the hell?
“If they don’t know I’m gypsy, they won’t make the connection. They didn’t know before, after all. Mum had made me promise that I wouldn’t tell before, because she thought I’d face too much prejudice or some other-”
“So you’re denying-?”
“No! I’m just-”
“Shaun wouldn’t want you to be ashamed of your past.”
“I’m not ashamed!” For the first time, she looked hurt, and Russ knew that this was the best way to hit a nerve. “And Shaun would know-”
“How d’you think he’d feel if he heard you-”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” she hissed. “You have no-”
“Right, fine, I shouldn’t have said that,” he snapped. “I just think that that is a really, really bad idea.”
“If it keeps me from being murdered too, is it a bad idea?”
A fair bit of anger ebbed from him at that. If it kept her safe, then he couldn’t really argue, even if he didn’t like it.
Didn’t like it? He bloody well hated it! But he couldn’t argue.
“Right then, fair enough,” he muttered.
Madeleine’s hand went to her temple, rubbing it, and Russ spotted the telltale signs of a migraine. That meant her nightmares would be really bad tonight. He’d be up all night with her.
How was she going to be able to go to school sleeping like that?
“Well, I hope it works out for you,” he said, his tone softening. “If this is what you want.”
“It’s what I want.”
“Because of speciesism or Shaun?”
Madeleine sighed. “Both.”
“Mostly Shaun, though.”
She smiled wryly. “I’m a Warrior, Russ. I’ve been bred to fight like this.”
“If you’re using that logic, how come it doesn’t work for me?”
She smiled, properly this time. “Maybe you’re just weird.”
He chuckled. “Maybe?”
She laughed too, then her smile faded. “I’m going to finish this.”
“For Shaun.”
“For Shaun,” she confirmed. “He deserves at least that much, and besides, it’s what I want to do. It’s what I have to do. I’ll not rest until I avenge him, and end this. And even if I don’t, well, I’m continuing the fight for him. Carrying the torch, I guess. He’d want me to do it. I want to do it for him, because… he believed in it so much. He showed me how to believe in it. I wouldn’t have cared if he hadn’t showed me what this war was causing, why it was all so wrong, why Major Hoodham is right… And besides, it’s all in my blood, anyway. You want to follow bare-knuckling too. I can’t do that, so I’m going for the other legacy, right?”
Russ sighed. “I get that.”
“Do you?”
“Yeah, I can’t really argue anymore.”
Madeleine smiled briefly. “I wish you’d agree with me, though.”
“So do I.”
Another pause.
She looked up at the still raining sky. “We should probably get out of the rain.”
He shrugged. “I think I’ll stay here for a while.”
God knew, he needed to stay here for a while.
“Okay, then,” she said, softly, then paused for a moment. “I guess this is goodbye then.”
“Yeah,” he grunted.
Madeleine bit her lip, before reaching up and kissing his lips gently, soft as velvet. surprising him. She’d never kissed him that softly, never. They’d never been like that. It had never been so gentle or tender… It had never felt like she cared that much before.
And funnily enough, that showed him that maybe she did know what the hell she was doing. He still didn’t like it, but he couldn’t argue now.
She pulled back, sighing. “I’m sorry, Russ.”
He brought himself to smile. “I know you are, but there’s no need.”
“There’s need.”
“Hey, who knows? Maybe we can properly be family after this.”
She smiled wryly, showing Russ that she had as little faith in that as he did. “Maybe.”
“Or maybe we’ll both finally realise just how wrong it is to date your cousin.”
Madeleine laughed at that, before glancing around her. “We really should get out of the rain.”
“Yeah, you don’t want to catch cold. I’ll see you back at camp, alright?”
“Alright,” she said, smiling softly, before turning away and walking back down the beach.
Russ watched her leave, the rain still hitting off her small body. He didn’t call her back, didn’t give her a hug goodbye – though he knew that he wouldn’t be able to say goodbye properly later. There wouldn’t be the chance. She’d go back and finish off her packing, sleep outside, he’d watch her – then when the sun went up, she’d wake up, smile sadly at him, and leave. He wasn’t sure if he’d see her again, not if she was going and fighting all those dámn battles.
But hey, maybe she’d survive. Maybe they’d both stop being angry once they were away from each other. It was pretty likely. Maybe one day they’d be capable of making a relationship work. Maybe one day they’d be capable of loving people…
Russ smirked at that, picking up another flat stone and skimming it.
Yeah, right.