Timeout

[Will Wright]

Jack.
Had she not said his name to Ca-
Oh. Right. That would answer that then.
"I-it's just-" she let out a little exasperated sigh, "Jack Trove." God it felt weird to say his name out like that...considering she only really used his name when she was with and him and talking to him. She'd given up talking about him to everyone else.
Everyone knew.
Except him.
Everyone saw.
Except him.
Most of them had someone.
Except her.
"I can't stop the thoughts. It's like, I'm known to everybody here, everyone but him. I love him Cass. I have never felt this way before about anyone except him. Don't say it's just a phase because it's been like this, for over a year and a half, if it was just a phase, I think I would've known by now." she paused to take a breath, "Everyone knows, everyone can see except him. He's oblivious to the obvious and it's.." she gulped, "It's choking me. I don't know how to go about telling him anymore or showing him. I mean I knew I couldn't do it when he was going out with Olivia, or....ugh, Sophie...but he's free now but I'm scared to say anything in case it's too soon for it or in case I end up hurting someone feelings. That and I don't exactly want make myself look like a very *friendly* person...though some people probably think of me like that but.."she sighed and took a sip, "I just want him to know Cass. I just want to make sure he knows. I'll let him decide, though it'll break my heart if he doesn't think it's a good idea but it'll be better if he knows, right? I mean what's the harm?"
Tears were threatening her eyes. Her throat was kind of constricting. Oh god, please don't start the wasser works. I'm not trying for sympathy or attention, I need advice. I want advice.
"Sorry for the rant."

[Cass van der Berg]

...okay, wow.
Cass was silent for a moment, not quite sure what to do with the torrent of information that he'd just received.
Then he turned, the music stopping, and set his guitar away from him. His arms now free, he awkwardly set one of his hands on Will's shoulder.
If he'd known her better he might have hugged her, or something, but a hand on the shoulder would do. Anything more would be weird. But she was practically crying, here; she needed something to calm her down.
"Don't be sorry, it's fine," said Cass. "I know how it is."
He was silent for a minute as he thought about this.
That was a pretty general statement there, he supposed. He didn't know exactly how Will felt, obviously, but there were some things that were close. Like Will's situation, Cass had had feelings for Lynn for a while before he'd said anything...
...no, but that was still different, though, wasn't it? He hadn't not said anything to Lynn because he'd been scared; it was because he hadn't been ready yet.
Although, that being said, if Lynn had said no... That would have been hellish, and that must have scared him a bit, before. Maybe he'd only called it 'not being ready' when, truly, it had been fear. He didn't know. It seemed like the sort of thing that he would do.
But no matter whether Cass had experienced this before; he could still empathise with it. He could still try to help.
"The harm..." he said, musing out loud for a moment, before reaching a decision. "It seems to me that the greatest harm you're doing is to yourself. And that the biggest risk of harm is to yourself, as well."
It seemed pretty bad, from where Cass was sitting. She seemed to be in a pretty rough state now, so if Jack turned her down... Well. Cass hadn't been in that situation before, but he was sure it would hurt like hell.
But then, waiting like this...
"But - Well, if this has been going on for a year and a half, now... I mean, is the waiting not driving you crazy? This might not sound good but... It might be better to get it over with, so you don't have to wonder anymore."

[Will Wright]

"The harm..." he paused as he thought about what to say, "Will, it seems to me that the greatest harm you're doing is to yourself. And that the biggest risk of harm is to yourself, as well."
True...
He carried on, "But - Well, if this has been going on for a year and a half, now... I mean, is the waiting not driving you crazy? This might not sound good but... It might be better to get it over with, so you don't have to wonder anymore."
The tears slowly traveled the length of her cheek to her chin and fell from it. The great height. If she asked him...Cass was right, it might be better to get it over and done with and not to pro-long the wait any longer.
But if she asked and he said no.....
She wouldn't survive.
That was the fact.
She. Would. Not. Survive.
She'd be six feet under.
No exaggeration.
But if he said yes...
Dream come true, right there. She'd think she was in heaven. Dead from the pure joy that would overcome her. It would either lead to heartbreak or heart-make. Thumping either really fast or not at all.
It was too painful to even think about it.
The warmth of Cass' hand on her shoulder brought her back tot he realization that he had asked her a question in his reasoning of what she should do.
"The waiting...is but not as much as the wanting or the seeing. You have no idea...nobody does. Sure they can relate but..."she sighed, "Cass if I do ask him it'll be make or break and the break part is scaring me to death because I know I won't survive it if he said no. I'm not exaggerating, I just know I'd be six feet under soon after he says no." the tears started to flow and she got up and paced about for a bit, "And you know why I haven't asked him yet? Apart from the fact he's probably under a lot of stress right now having to cover for Madeleine, and I hope to god we get her back very soon because everyone's at a total loss without her but it's because not five days ago, when the war started, did he break up with Olivia to be with Sophie and soon after Sophie dies. So yeah, I can just imagine what he's going through. Hell, I can't imagine what Olivia must be feeling right now! I know that if I had a boyfriend and he dumped me right before he went to war for another girl who died to find out someone I work with goes and asks him out in what seems like an hour after...." she breathed out and shook her head before crumpling to the ground.
"I can't Cass, I just- it'd feel so wrong and then make me feel dirty be-" she choked up and started to cry for real. It felt like the world was forcing her hand. A hand she did not want to play.
But if she didn't play it, who would?

[Cass van der Berg]

Oh no.
Another thing that Cass really hadn’t been expecting, and this one worried him greatly. He rose to his feet as soon as she fell.
“Will? Will, listen,” he said, walking over to her and keeling beside her, “listen to me, don’t freak out, OK? Freaking out isn’t going to help anyth –”
She kept crying, though.
Too late to stop her from freaking out; she was already doing it, so there was no point trying to talk sense now. Instead he placed his hand on her back again and started rubbing it in circles over her shoulderblade, trying to calm her down. Basic psychology, this – or according to Cardo, anyway, although Cass wouldn’t have put it past Cardo to tell Cass that something he thought had been proved by scientists. Repetitive motion was soothing.
So was the old, “Shh, shh, it’s all right” technique, and Cass said this as he rubbed her back. “Shh. It’s all right. Calm down. It’s going to be OK.”
She seemed convinced that it wouldn’t be, though. Cass wasn’t surprised by this. They’d just had a battle, so none of the Carers were at their most emotionally robust. And Will had been working for hours now, she must have been, and that was demoralising at a time like this. It was straining. When you were under that kind of emotional strain, Cass knew that anything could seem like it would turn out to be a disaster, even though it wouldn’t.
Although… That being said, Cass hadn’t known that… He hadn’t known that Jack and Olivia had broken up, and he definitely hadn’t known that Jack had been dating anyone else. He’d barely paid attention to Orchid gossip even when he was here, after all. And if the girl had been killed in battle… It might not only be Will who was hurt by asking him out.
Cass didn’t know. He just didn’t. He wasn’t supposed to advise people. But he could try, anyway. Although, if he was going to try and help her, she needed to listen to him, and she couldn’t do that if she was crying.
So he waited until the sobs seemed to be calming down a little bit, and then said gently, “I think it would be better for us to talk about this calmly, Will. If you make a decision when you’re upset you might regret it later. C’mon.” He gestured at where he had been sitting before. “You should take a seat. We can sort this out.”

[Will Wright]

She just couldn't.
Not anymore.
She was tired of being tired.
She was tired of being defeated.
She was tired of losing people.
She was tired of war.
She was tired of being so emotional.
She was tired of being invisible.
She was tired of watching.
She was tired of puke.
She was tired of blood.
She was tired of seeing this freaking place day in, day out.
But most of all: She was tired of Jack Trove.
Tired of the way he made her feel.
Tired of the way he didn't take notice.
Tired of the way he made her crazy everytime he touched her.
Tired of the way he made her fall deeper and deeper in love with him everytime he walked into a room.
Tired of the way he kept her up nearly almost every night now days.
Tired of the way he made her burst into tears.
Tired of his eyes, mouth, voice, nose, ears, hair, every single feature that was his body.
Tired of being besotted by him.
Tired of him being oblivious to the obvious,
There she was; on the floor bawling her eyes out to one of her best friends, crying on him, being soothed by him. And still, she couldn't help but feel empty and alone. The wrong hand was soothing her. The wrong voice was talking the right words to her. The wrong person was in place of the right one.
Her heart ached for Jack. He would never come. She knew that. Her head told her to wise up and get over it but even it was besotted and drowning in his scent, in his hair.
All of her ached for him.
She couldn't stop the horrible wretching everytime she drew in a breath to keep crying. She knew that Jack's hand would never be where Cass' was. She knew Jack would never talk these sensible words to her. She knew Jack. He just wouldn't.
And in all this mess. In all this horrible disasturous mess that Jack had been the cause of she saw a beautiful truth. She saw the hand that she had to play. A hand....
Cass was talking about sitting her down in a more comfortable place. The couch. He was very sweet. She realized she had quietened down a bit but still she just stared.
Her brain was disconnected from her body. She turned her head to look at Cass in the eyes; the wrong eyes, and just shook her head.
Left.
To right.
Left.
Right.
And this was all she could do. Will was broken. She gave up. Fate won. She finally stopped and smiled grimly, "Cass. It's not going to work. Is it? He's never going to notice. Fate has won."
She lost.
It was over.
Will was broken.
Will had no will.
The white flag had set sail in the sky.

[Cass van der Berg]

“Fate has won.”
Cass looked at her for a second, trying to make sense of what she was saying.
Cass didn’t believe in fate. He believed in purpose, but he didn’t believe in fate. How could he, a Carer, live with himself otherwise? Believing in fate led to complacency, led to mistakes being made. If every action was predetermined then medicine and healing would make no difference, and medicine and healing were fighting a losing game as it was, trying as they did to postpone the inevitable.
But he wouldn’t say that to her.
“Why would fate say that you shouldn’t be with him?” he asked, keeping his voice gentle and not letting his confusion show.
He needed to understand where she was coming from here, if he was going to give her advice.
He still didn’t want to do that. Cass wasn’t the adviser, he was the confidante. He helped by being there – he was there for people; he didn’t meddle. That was Cardo’s job – Cardo always seemed to know what to do, so between Cardo and Cass, all their friends were covered. Cass gave a shoulder to cry on, Cardo gave a pep talk.
But Cardo wasn’t here; Cardo couldn’t help.
It was all on Cass.

[Will Wright]

“Why would fate say that you shouldn’t be with him?”
Wasn't that obvious?
She could clearly see it.
"Don't you think he would have noticed by now? Don't you think I would have ended up with him ages ago? Cass, it's not like I haven't made myself clear to him. Everytime I'm with him-" she gulped and stopped talking. She leant on him and silent tears fell from her eyes. Those d**n tears.
They were never going to stop now.
"Cass, I'm dead inside. I have a massive black hole inside me and it's not going to be filled. Fate has won. He won't notice me. Ever. I give up trying to win a losing fight. I've had it." she couldn't explain. She'd breakdown. She didn't want that.
"I want it to end. I want to claw this feeling inside of me and rip it out. I won't. It will get better. Cass, why? Why does he not notice?"

[Cass van der Berg]

OK, now Cass was very worried.
Very, very worried.
He hadn’t expected her to say anything like that. That she was dead inside… That didn’t sound like unrequited love; that sounded like despair. And yet she’d seemed fine a few minutes ago.
He was coming more and more around to the idea that the battle was making this worse for her. It was so easy for Carers to blame themselves, and it was possible that the stress from the deaths, and from seeing her friends die, was causing this. Maybe all the other problems in her life right now were being pushed onto this, like when toothaches were a symptom of heart conditions.
She needed a break, Cass decided. A proper break; she needed to get out of this hospital and stay the hell away from it for as long as she could, because this wasn’t fair on her. It wasn’t fair on any of the Carers, but if it was making her feel like this…
He wouldn’t respond to any of the despairing comments. He needed to be constructive about this. There was no point trying to make someone feel better about a situation unless they believed that they could feel better.
And she could. Cass was sure that this could be fixed. She just needed to be able to see that, too.
He placed his arm around her shoulders as she leant against him, and asked, “That depends. Have you ever sat him down and told him? Have you ever spelt it out?”

[Will Wright]

Sat him down?
Jack...sit down?
Spelt it out!?
Calm down Will, he hasn't done anything wrong. He's trying to help you at your request. Don't shout at him.
"I don't know if I can spell it out more than I already have. As for sitting him down adn talking to him, he'll think it's a big joke. That I'm pulling his leg. The last time we actually sat down and talked about anything was the very first time I met him. I just. Don't. Know." she sniffed but left the tears. They weren't doing anything. Apart from making her black hole larger.
"Cass, you're a guy. Explain to me why you don't see it when a girl likes you. Explain to me what it takes to make you boys notice." she wasn't going to stop and his arm around her shoulders. Comfortable and very calming.
But again- the wrong arm.
She loved Cass as a friend and she was glad she could lean on him but in reality, it felt wrong. She knew the only person who could fill the hole, was never going to take any notice.
She'd stay empty.
"I have a hand to play Cass. The world is forcing me to play it. One I don't want to play. Only problem is: If I don't, who will?"

[Cass van der Berg]

Well, fat lot of good Cass would be in explaining that to her.
Cass… wasn’t like other guys, he guessed. He did notice things. He noticed a lot more than people gave him credit for. It had been all those years of trying to figure out any possible reason for the way his mother was acting – it had become a habit, and so Cass had begun trying to read every single person he could find, without even meaning to.
He liked to think that, if anyone felt about him the way Will felt about Jack, he’d notice. But no one did anymore, so he had no problems there. Lucky him.
“I can’t tell you what it takes to make a guy notice,” he said. “It’s different for everyone. But – listen. My first girlfriend –”
Christ Almighty, what was he doing? He didn’t need to bring Lynn into this, he didn’t need to –
But his mouth kept talking.
“– I had feelings for her for a while before she noticed. And I was OK with that, because I wasn’t ready for her to know how I felt yet. But when I was ready I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. Just that. Just ‘Do you want to be my girlfriend?’, and that was it. That’s what I mean by spelling it out. Not hinting. And if he laughs at you for that…”
Then you probably shouldn't be with him.
He didn’t say that. It would probably be rude.
Then something occurred to him, “But – just one thing. You said… Did his girlfriend die in the last battle?” he asked, lowering his voice slightly so that anyone outside couldn’t hear what he was saying and be upset by it.

[Will Wright]

Yes, the overly french tart who wanted guys with her at all times to make people jealous and want them in her pants died. Will wasn't very friendly when it came to Sophie. Even though she didn't- hadn't known her very well she still said nasty things. She had no right but she did it anyway.
"Yes. Gunshot wound dead centre in her forehead." Her hair had been red, clumpy and dirty. Well, what had been left of it. Her ghost, if it was here, would be horrified. It made Will smile, "Why do you ask?"
She knew she should move.
She was just too comfy to move.
Cass probably wasn't though...
"I guess, everyone's different. I still don't think he'd take me seriously if I asked him that. I'm mad for loving him, right? I'm just one of those crazy fangirls, right?" I'm in way over my head..
The tears had stopped.
The sniffing had slowed.
Cass was making sense to her.
Good.

[Cass van der Berg]

How could Will be a crazy fangirl in this situation…?
OK, never mind.
Will had smiled when she’d spoken about the girl dying. That was a little worrying –and for reasons other than those for which Cass had been concerned before – but he… He didn’t know.
Stress, he reminded himself. Will was very stressed right now.
But… The girl had probably had family, friends who had loved her. No one should smile when speaking about death.
It had only been a week since Cass’s mother had –
Stop it.
“You’re not crazy to love him,” he said, glad that, at least, she wasn’t crying anymore, although they weren’t any closer to a resolution. “But – about this girl – all I’m thinking is that… if she’s just died, you might be better waiting a while before telling him how you feel. It might upset him if you tell him now. Or he might get angry.”
Advice Part One. And Cass thought that this advice, at least, was sound enough. Grief… did things to people. It was well documented. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
And a little voice at the back of Cass’s head reminded him of what very early stage he was still stuck at.

[Will Wright]

"You're not crazy to love him," he said in a slightly higher note, “But – about this girl – all I’m thinking is that… if she’s just died, you might be better waiting a while before telling him how you feel. It might upset him if you tell him now. Or he might get angry.”
I know,
"I know that-"
That's why I haven't spoken to him.
"That's why I haven't spoken to him."
As much as I'd love to. As much as I need to. As much as- she sighed.
"One of the many reasons I'm asking for advice. I know I'm horrible to smile at something like death; at someone who's died. I feel awful deep down but I can't help- can't stop it fr- I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm trying not to. Holding myself together as best as I can but I know that one of these days, when I see him, I'll breakdown then and there." she grimaced.
She knew it.
She wouldn't be able to stop it.
She wanted somebody there to catch her when she fell.
She wanted Jack to do that but there was no chance.
Maybe she could take Cass with her, everywhere she went, just in case.
No. He's been through enough.
"I just...how can I hold myself together? Work is the only thing that is keeping my mind on a decent track. One that's not on a collision course. It's keeping me pre-occupied so I can't have a nervous or mental breakdown."

[Cass van der Berg]

She seemed better now.
Or… well, not better. But she seemed more like herself. She seemed calmer. And it seemed like maybe, now, she would think about this the way that Cass wanted her to think about it.
It was a problem, yeah.
But problems were made for solutions.
This could all be fixed.
“Work is good,” he said. “Don’t knock work – it’s good, when there’s something like this, to take your mind off it.”
Of course, that being said, Cass was still convinced that the work was part of the reason why she was seeing this so badly. But if she felt like it was holding her together… Cass was well-aware of the Carer guilt phenomenon. When you asked one of them to be away from the hospital at a time like this, you might as well have asked them to stop breathing. Even if the work was stressing Will out, she probably wouldn’t be able to leave it.
Hell, it was stressing him out but he couldn’t dream of going, and he wasn’t the Head.
“Or you can do other things. Keeping yourself busy is always good. But… Will if you think this is going to make you have a breakdown… You can’t keep on like that. You have loads to think about already.”
Advice Part Two. “I’d say that… You should give him time for his grief, yeah. But after that, it would definitely be better to say something sooner rather than later. For your own good.”

[Will Wright]

"Right. You're right,"
He was right. Of course he was right. Cass was always right. When was he not right about these things? Right?
Ok, she was overreacting.
Completely out of her mind.
"No-no, no, no, no, no,. No, Cass, no. I can't-I don't-I can't-I don't-"she was beinning to panic again. Leave work? How could she do that? These people needed her, needed her to heal them; how could she abandon them just liek that? "Cass, I can't-I don't- I can't leave these people here and go away to do other things. It's not right. It's immoral, I'm not going to just leave them here."
She couldn't.
She wouldn't.
It'd be betraying her mother. Her mother was a legendry Head at her time. Will could never live up to that but she could try her best to follow in her footsteps. She wouldn't disgrace her mother by doing that. And it was selfish.
"No, I can't. I won't."
They sat in total silence for about five minutes. Neither of them moving except their chest expanding and contracting as they breathed in and out. As everyone did everyday in their lives. Until one day, it stops. Just like that.
Will sighed and moved and got up. She paced the room for a bit. To the door and back to Cass again. Back to the door. Back to Cass. Back to the door. Back to C-
The door.
Will stopped dead as she looked out the tiny window in the door. Someone was walking along the corridor in a patients gown. He looked like he was in a trance. Will was about to tell Cass until she saw the dark, shimmery, wetness of the bodily fluid trickling down from his right side. He looked up and saw her.
Then gravity got it's hold and he was on the floor.
"Shít!" Will muttered and yanked the door open and was out of it like a shot. She sprinted down the hall to the guy on the floor. She carfeully turned him over so that he was on his back.
The blood was flowing, and fast.
"CASS, COME AND HELP ME!" she shouted, she put her hands on top oif the wound hoping to stem the flow and realized that didn't help so she took of her coat and applied that on top pushing down hard, "AND BRING A TOWEL OR SOMETHING!"